I am so bored. So bored I am on the verge of tears! Not to sound un thankful for all the good in my life, but um yeah. I can handle boredom every now and then. It even feels good every now and then to be bored as a reminder that not being bored is so much better! Stillness is a healthy practice, but too much of anything isn't, right? Over it. Cracked. I wish I was powerful enough to not let it bring me down, but it has. It really has. I want to hide it, but it comes through. I finally was able to purchase a bike, but it wont be here for TWO months. I don't know how I will last that long. I wish I were patient

Success...what a dumb word.

I was asked if I felt I was successful...

I feel I am "successful" even in "failure." Isn't what we measure our success by all a matter of how we, our selves, choose to think about it? I can choose to do a lot of things. I have made a lot of choices. They say that with every choice comes a consequence, but why is it that consequence sounds like a bad thing? It seems our society emphasizes the bad effects of bad decisions, but never the good ones. What about the only okay ones. And then why if something is "bad" do we say everything happens for a reason.

So here I am in my life. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I know loves me very much and tries always to help me be happy and who loves to share our happinesses together. And I feel that our relationship is "successful." But what an almost dumb question to ask someone. "Do you feel you are successful in life?" I believe that having a successful life is finding the beauty of life in the journey of each of my days instead of all the different destination I wish I had reached and forgetting all the ones I have. My consequences have brought me here? Yes I tell myself... And even though I look at my desire to learn French or race a bike... It is not to say that I will never do these things again, just that for now, they must wait.... But I will dream on. And I will always have "it". It as in happiness, success, money, or whatever society claims it be... Whatever.

Drink coffee! Do Stupidi things faster and with more energy!!!!

Seriously... Seriously... I am not going to lie. I have been getting so bored with Durango Lately... Living here and not riding is painful. Haha. My job at the mountain is glorious, but I would love it so much more if I even knew how to ski and owned skis. Working here is great though in comparison to mcdonalds! Just working with clients and people of a higher moral is so uplifting and motivating. Working here has helped me become confident in myself again in being able to eventually pursue my career goals as a flight attendant, and even in my abbilities to get a job in CT so I can be with Alister over the summer! Its strange the things I do to be with him instead of on my own riding, and playing.

I remember everyday that I feel bad that I cant ride a bike, that the lonliness I was feeling with that material item was still joyful, but that its not the same as sharing joy with your best, most loved friend, my Alister. Making the sacrifice is worth it and will pay off in the end. For now I am okay with just drinking my coffee to help me do stupid things faster and with more energy!

So now I work work work! To make money and pay my bills and buy flights to cali then CT then back to cali, then back to Durango! My brother Allan finally proposed to Farrah and it looks like they will be having an August wedding in Mexico! Farrah has asked me to be a brides maid! So hence the desire to fly out to visit them in May to help with wedding plans! After that I would like to fly to Connecticut to start working a simple summer job as Alister races around. As long as I can support Alister in his cycling I feel like I am still involved with cycling and that makes me happy! In July Alisters brother Scott is marrying Kari in New Jersey. When August comes we will then fly to San Diego to meet up with Farrah and Allan and drive down with them to there Mexico wedding!!!! Aaand at some point a long the way I will pick up a bike to fill some of my spare time riding in CT, plus I will need some mode of transportation to get to work, right?