C'est tout.

In life we carry baggage. We move things around from place to place like our lives are those things. I feel like we get lost in the things we own. I still do even though I see it happening in my own life. Even now we are preparing to build and move into this tiny house and I sit here having a hard time throwing away old journals from middle school that no one ever will want to read.

I did have a hard time recycling some of my old "creative writing" but going through it reminded me that there is this creative person inside of me that I just haven't let shine in a while. Designing the Petite Maison has allowed me some of that creative mojo flow. Tossing out all those old poems and songs I used to write has given me the motivation to start doing it again, but on here so it can fit in our tiny house. :)

Life lately has had me feeling a little trapped. Money and debt and the hoops that we all have to jump through in life are exhausting and can ruin you if you aren't paying attention. If you aren't giving and receiving love, sharing your passion with good friends, or getting enough nature therapy, adulting can ruin you. I guess we all need our realities shattered multiple times in life to rebuild upon who we really are and strengthen our faith in whatever it is we believe in.

Its hard to not go numb. Its scary how easy it is to ignore our spirit thats fighting to break free and release our full potential.

I feel like we are moving in the right direction with the Tiny House. I feel like we have the right idea. All I want is to live simply. Be healthy. Travel with people I love. Meet new people to share in that love and joy. Ride bikes and explore new roads; explore the strength that is in me. Enjoy all the little things that make life so sweet. That is all I want. C'est tout.

Brutally and honset. Me.

February 20th 2013

Here we are in Mallorca. Living out our weird lives of riding bikes dependent on Alister’s family while they’re back in Connecticut freezing there faces off, we are here, riding bikes and relaxing while they are back in the states working long hours. I am here doing nothing it seems, but living out youthful retirement. Does this mean I wont end up getting a real retirement when I have grey hair and saggy old skin? I hope not. 

I do hope that Alister has a good year riding and racing so that he either gets a great contract for next season so he can keep doing what he loves or that he knows he gave it everything and goes out with a boom before chasing dreams down a different road in our lives. I feel like I am in a place I don't necessarily want to be in. I love that I am living in Europe and that I am doing it with my best friend, but its weird at my young age to be in this sort of waiting room part of my life when I should be eagerly chasing a goal oriented around myself. Because of Alister’s status as a cyclist all finances, energy, and focus needs to be on him. Now is time to be 100% focused on his goal. This season, now! When Alister unexpectedly may need to spend 200 euro on a bike part that the team doesn't provide I cant say, “No, I needed to buy a pair of slacks and shoes for my job interview.” A life long dream of mine is to study french in France and I thought about doing that this year since France is “next door”, but that would mean me being away in France and the whole point of me moving to Belgium was to be here for Alister. 

My focus is on filling my head and his with belief and encouragement. Reminding myself over and over, “him doing well is me doing well. He can do this.” Thats all we need to worry about now. His ride clothes being cleaned, recovery food being ready, washing his bike... basically being his “swanny”. While all the same being his girlfriend loving each other, enjoying each others company.  Yeah, I might get a little side job if it comes up washing dishes illegally at the hotel down the street from us in Belgium, but “me” doesn’t matter right now. All that matters is Alister, having winning fitness, winning mentality. And me on the side lines being a cheer leader and when he wins a race I can be there at the finish to give him a huge kiss and know that part of that success is because of me.  Him doing well is good for the both of us... Him doing well is me doing well..... We can do this. 

I also have to look at this year as a great year for us both to expand our networks in the cycling world, and to get some checks off our “Traveling Bucket List”. 

April 23rd 2013

Time as it normally does is flying by. I have now been in Europe mostly Belgium since Mallorca in February. I cant say that I at all like this country. The weather sucks, the people are grumpy, probably because the weather sucks, everything is over the top expensive, and its really flat and ugly so riding isn’t fun. Brugge is pretty, but I have seen enough of it and am over it. Whatever, call me ungrateful. I have met a few very nice people however. 

Eating out in Belgium. Give OVVVERRR. They charge an arm and a leg to eat out here which sucks for me because I really enjoy eating out. My purse cant afford to eat at restaurants where you get healthy food prepared well and my hips and thighs cant afford to eat waffles, chocolates, beer and frites smothered in mayo and ketchup all of the time. 

I love Alister and part of why I love Alister so much is because he is tame and keeps me grounded like the weight at the end of the string of a helium balloon. He offsets my spontaneity and craziness, but that is why Josh Papworth has been a great breath of funky fresh air for us. He is from somewhere up northern side of England and racing/living here as well. He is the spark we needed to have a little more fun.  He reminds me a little of my brother John. Miguel is from spain and is very calm and a nice addition to the party. Its nice to have some people around who are in similar situations to us. They get it when most of the world doesn’t. 

England isn’t all sunshine and butterflies either but I like it more than Belgium, partly because Alister has family there, we have really grown to love his Uncle and Aunt Malcom and Annette. Beautiful people they are. I really enjoy their company. They have good taste in food and coffee, they are kind and selfless and love cycling.  They are the kind of people one enjoys to be around because they are very positive. England, although maybe dangerous for cycling, is at least beautiful and has undulating landscapes. I quite enjoyed our short little two day trip there last week and was not excited to return to Oostkamp. 

Dutch is hard and I just cant seem to stir up the motivation to try learning it because I honestly hope to never have to ever again after this year need to hear or speak Flemish or Dutch... EVER AGAIN. French, Italian, Spanish, Greek, Japanese... Anything else....  I would be all in. Its a pity really. I shouldn’t think like that, but am okay with it. 

I spend most of my time these days daydreaming of being back in Mallorca or in Italy, the south of France, Sunshiney Durnago, Bali, Taiwan, or Southern California... anywhere really where the sun shines and they have mountains, and wearing a tank top with shorts and flip flops isn't frowned upon... anywhere but Belgium. But not only do I day dream about being in all of these places. I really day dream about being in all of these places with Alister. Being romantic and in love and young and spontaneous together without worry of training for his races or getting to work. I want so badly for us to experience the world together, just us. I want us to learn to let go of worry and fear. To learn to just feel and breath and explore and grow as to be more ready to settle into life. 

a place called Brugge.

When I found out I would be moving to Belgium I was struck with several emotions of excitement and fear. First excited to be that much closer to my much beloved country of France and to live in EUROPE, but then pure fear of the struggles of grey rainy Belgium skies, running into red tape and financial trouble scares me. Will I get to study French? Will I get super depressed and fat during the rainy winter and spring? Ugh. I cant afford a european gym pass or competing in european bikini competition. Will I be able to ride? What if I hate it? The last two weeks I have been stuck on this wicked daymare (like a nightmare, but daymare...?) What if I am just stuck in mine and Alister’s Brugge studio apartment watching the rain trickle down the window feeling sad and alone and dreamless while Alister is off traveling all over Europe racing a bike... following his dream..... 

Most don’t count me for the type to do such a thing, but I only say this, because I’ve been there. I don’t do well with grey skies. I was born a summer baby and thus a natural sun-ray vitamin D junkie. Finally today I had an epiphany (While on a bike ride of under blue skies in Durango of course). I realized I've was focusing my worry in the wrong place. I finally came to the conclusion to pat myself on the back for working so hard to lose some fat and gain some muscle to look awesome in a shiney green bikini on stage under the spot light, BUT that could wait. That CAN wait. I have belgium to work hard at now. I was focusing way to many of my thoughts on the negative possibilities and decided I would OBVIOUSly be better off making a mental list of all the positive ones. Yes. I could suffer from some grey sky gloominess, and might be tight on money, but I know in my heart that the cool opportunities are going to far out weigh any of the downs. I will learn a lot, even if it might not be French, Belgium Chocolate, Cycling spring classics basically out my doorstep to watch, lots of really cool historical places also right outside my door that I can go see.  I will get to live in Europe, in a cycling mecca. Cycling is my passion. For some reason this obnoxious doped fiend cycling world makes me happy. When I am near it, I meet people I consider my extended family, I get to do cool things that make my endorphins ignite and I feel unstoppable. I believe that if I knock on a few of the doors of opportunity that I know will be presented to me, they will open up to a whole bunch of awesomeness. 

I just have to stop being so dam mean to myself and face the fact that this in all actuality is going to rock. Belgium might keep me off the stage a little while longer, but it wont keep me from staying positive and focused on eating a balanced clean diet and taking care of my health and fitness.  And it shouldn't stop me from feeding my mind with positive thoughts either. After all positive thoughts manifest positive things. 

A bikini and heels....

Early June 2012 My fabulous sister in law competed in her first NPC Bikini competition and I saw her transform. Around that same time my boyfriends sister had sent me an email titled “20 things I wish I knew when I was 20” stating things like, “gain status through experiences and not temporary objects... travel while young, live frugal.” (You can read the entire list here http://inoveryourhead.net/20-things-i-should-have-known-at-20/) the number one thing that really hit me was the “get a six pack (or get fit) now” maybe because I felt I had been doing a pretty good job at all the others or that seeing how Farrah went from looking good to looking incredibly AMAZING had me craving abs. I had run a marathon, raced a bike, trained hard all through high school in multiple disciplines. I was what I considered to be a fit person, but never in my life have I been able to put on a bikini and look at myself in the mirror and honestly tell myself, “I look goooood.” I have never found an eating ritual that helped me look any better either. So me being me, the person that tends to jump into the unknown head first, told Farrah I wanted to do this and I wanted her help. Bring on that bikini. I felt it was time for me to reach that fitness of not just feeling fairly fit, but looking it too! Since she is my sister-in-law (and loves me) she was enthusiastic about helping me and to share her new passion and journey experiences with me.

I started hitting the gym consistently and had a meal plan that gave me structure from my usual I-ride-bikes-so-i-can-eat-whatever-I-want diet. I lost around 8 or 10 pounds in a month and felt more comfortable in my own skin than I had ever felt before. I was aiming to hit the stage for the first time November 17th, but then the opportunity to take a two week trip to Italy and the south of France came up that I couldn’t turn down (that was part of the 20 things to do in my 20’s too, right?!!) And there was no way I was going to take a trip to italy and not explore the local cuisine. I went there knowing it would set me back and that in order for me to be stage ready I would have to follow through with a pretty extreme depletion process.

This process was an area I never felt quit comfortable with, but I was willing to do what ever it took to prove to myself and the world that I could hit that stage and win a trophy. (not to be confused, everyone hits the stage doing some sort of cutting back on carbs and fats etc. To an extent it is still healthy.) I want to see me looking like Farrah! But after talking to people who have gone through the depletion process and doing some reading. I started to realize how much of a hole I would actually be digging for my health. (I have suffered from adrenal fatigue from over training in all of the sports I’ve done throughout my life, malnourishing that training, and my extreme love for coffee. My lil’ adrenals need some consistency for once!) I found myself in a daily mental battle with myself to stick to my meal plan, to not, to got to the gym for the second time of the day, to push out my competition date, or to marathon more netflix....

After 4 weeks of going back and forth with myself, feeling tired, stressed, unmotivated, unhappy; no amount of caffein could pump me up, and I was constantly irritated at anything and everyone for breathing weird or for simply existing... I was losing me, happy, bubbly, enthusiastic, me. I thought I could push through it, but on the first day of my depletion and after my three workouts of feeling terrible, I sat in my boyfriends lap , on the verge of tears, and told him how I felt. (I’m surprised he let me sit there since I have done nothing but snap at him for the last 3 weeks over nothing) I told him how I wanted to be on stage and look great, but how I wanted to not just look great on stage, but always. (heck, I want to feel great too! I wasnt feeling great) I felt that going through the depletion, yes I could probably win a trophy, but I would gain all my weight back and put my body in a state that I believe would take longer for me to recoup from. Thus putting me a step backwards instead of forward to achieving my goal of a more fit body always, not just for the stage. So why do it? Because I’m to proud to tell people I’m not doing it anymore? Scared that they’ll look at me and not understand and think I am a quitter? Yeah, but thats is dumb, right? The stage isn't going anywhere. So after I got over myself I came to terms that pushing my show date out was just common sense and the smart thing to do. I want to work towards my long term goal. I am a fool to count this as failure, and would be wise to count it as a victory over my stubborn mindset. I know I can do drastic hard things, I’ve done all that kind of crap in the past. I am ready to focus on a health goal and do it the healthy way for once. I want a lifestyle of health so my body can transform to looking more stage ready all the time and not just because I put myself through an insane depravation process, but because I stuck to a goal for longer than 20 weeks and was patient and consistent for a span of years.

That being said, I want to thank again, my fair Farrah for helping me make the smart decision, and for having my back either way. You motivate and inspire me to be the most powerful woman (mind and body) that I can be. Thank you.

Holy Cannoli!

Italy was colorful. Not just the scenery of the ocean cliff side villages, but the people and the food. It was all full of color. Pizza with the prettiest freshest pesto you've ever seen or tasted, or even pizza with pink figs and some sort if buttery cream that melts in your mouth and pizza, and pizza, all the pizza! I ate and got fat. I pretended I was Meryl Streap in Mamma Mia and did a cannon bomb into the glistening turquoise water. Alister and I shared our first ever shared bottle of wine with some eggplant parm then got really italian under the covers!

In Florence we continued to play Italian with constant bickering and yelling. (I never can tell if the Italians are yelling or just talking) we may have not been the sweetest to each other during Florence, readjusting to each other was weird. But at least the backdrops of our heated drama was pretty and all... Duamo and Tuscan landscape filled. Ooh and gilato, LoTS of Gilato.

And that brings me to the south of France. Aww France. Where this Francophile feels she truly belongs. Italy was pretty and all, but France, France just clicks with me. You know how I always tell the story about when I rode my first century and that bike ride liberated me. I always have felt that nothing was more freeing than riding a bike, so in a country where cycling is the national sport, that says something. Not only that, it comes with lots of other perks. No country respects there food and eating there food quit like the French do. Now that's somewhere I belong. Work hard for 2 hour lunch breaks and 5weeks paid vacation and really yummy food and people actually like cycling! Can I please move there! Pretty please.

Boys on Bikes

I wore high heels for 19 hours!?!?!?!?!! By the time I climbed out of the taxi and Tyler Farrar’s lap (because our cab was way too small for 5 people) with Cadel Evans, Christian Vandavelde, and Alex howes at 4am I could barely crawl to the room because my feet had grown to the size of an elephants, but boy was I happy! My head was spinning due to too much tequila but mostly from all the things I could barely believe I got to experience first hand at the 2012 USA Pro Cycling Challenge. 

The last couple of weekends I can easily say marked two of the best weekends of my life. It’s like the Tour de France of the Americas for sure and I got to spend some quality time with some of the best riders in the world! Taylor Phinney invited me out in Durango for a couple of drinks with his teammates Cadel Evans 2011 Tour de France winner (who bought me a beer… I don’t even drink beer, but I drank that beer.) Cutie pie Mathias Frank from Amsterdam and Michy, a tall blond and a total ladies man. Jens Voigt (my cycling hero) and I had a couple nice conversations over the week and he even remembered me and came out of the peloton and said "hi" when they were on the final climb into Telluride the first stage.  The next weekend I got to run up flagstaff and paint the roads wearing a ridiculous lack of clothing with Danny Summerhill and Taylor Phinney printed across each one of my breasts in a light of making fun of their apparent bromance and me thinking that both are rather good looking.  The fans on Flagstaff were insane to say the least and something I hope to be a part of as long as the race is around.  Sunday TT was rather uneventful, besides mingling with Bobke in the shade and Vandevelde taking over the Yellow again. The after party which included a lot of tequila, dancing, and mingling with a ton of really awesome people in the world who love the bassackwards sport of cycling as much as me was awesome!  Ben King even after a couple of crashes and a llooonnng week of racing danced like he was auditioning for dancing with the stars. And those Australians… holy cow those Australians are crazy fun.....

I could go on for days about all the pros I got to know and the fine print details that I will never forget, but all in all I just want to express how blown away I am at the kindness of the riders in the pro peloton (for the most part. It may have some part to do with being a young red head with long legs, but I’ll take what I can get. There are truly some of the worlds most remarkable people who partake in this sport! And I feel blessed to say I got to be around them for a short bit. It reminded me how I still want to be a part of the cycling world… (Thinking I will become a cycling clothing model after I win my first bikini competition and return to some Cyclocross racing. haha.) 

Something that my weekend had me thinking about is how some people often find the confidence and energy that I exude to be intimidating or overwhelming or maybe just a bit of crazy, but those who really take a minute to know me realize that the confidence is my belief in myself that I can achieve my dreams and that the energy is my love for people and the world.  At times my dreams may be far off, but if I don’t believe I can achieve them, no one is going to do it for me. I have my doubts and frustrations with society and fear of failing a few too many times, but I have confidence I can be somebody… You know it’s like that Rocky Quote, “The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place. It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!”   I don’t necessarily disagree with the phrase “fake it until you make it” either. I find cycling is a perfect reminder to its on lookers that it is possible to do and achieve incredible things everyday.

astonishing

Paris. OHhh... Paris. The city I often catch myself day dreaming of. This time around not as awing as the others as it followed only in the foot steps of two other amazing places. But that city, oh that city, still held a sort of healing magic that you cant find anywhere else.  

Annecy France. A town by a turquoise lake nestled in the French Alps nearest Switzerland. It was beyond breathtaking and it hasn't really sunk in as real yet to me. Walking down the cobbled foot paths amongst a crowded colorful fresh food market. Mmmm. It’s any food lovers dream. So yeah I ate and enjoyed always precious time with my lover in one of the worlds most beautiful places. 

I could go on forever about all the cool things I did or ate or saw and every little detail... I did that in my journal so I could remember if I forget, but you might find it boring. To sum it all up though all the thinking time in great thinking places I just tried to enjoy the moment, because in my life I have realized that all moments pass too quickly and are gone and that if anything I can remember I enjoyed it. 

I enjoyed picnicking again next to the canal at Versailles and seeing all the fountains of the gardens, and the sparkling lights of the Eiffel Tower... I even enjoyed the whole experience of my wallet getting stolen by to little gypsy girls. Or getting in a little bicker with my friend. Or my feet hurting from too much walking and not enough sleep for I was in a hostel with beautiful people with different time schedules from all over the world who shared all these experiences with me. It was SO cool. My life is cool. Every part of it. And even on the days where I feel depressed I am happy that other days I come to my senses and realize how astonishing my life is playing out to be. Like, wow.